My Battle Cry: Part Deux

Glenn Close once said, “It is an odd paradox that a society, which can now speak openly and unabashedly about topics that were once unspeakable, still remains largely silent when it comes to mental illness.”

Life hasn’t been gardens and roses all the way, trust me when I say that. Even as I write this, I have a song playing on a loop so that I can concentrate on writing rather than the voices around me (read: in my head).

For those who haven’t read my previous battle cry, here is a short version — I have schizoaffective disorder which belongs to the schizophrenia family. In my case, this disorder is a combination of bipolar disorder and borderline schizophrenia. It’s like I’m surrounded by a lot of Mr Indias, whom only I can see. Awesome, right?

I’ve come across a lot of people who’ve told me that “There are people with worse problems than you have.” That may be true honey, but my problems are also problems, and they need considerate attention too. Not everything is about you, darling!

Did you know that most people with mental disorders have bodysuits made up in their minds that they put on each day and smile for the world or that they take it off in their safe place and cry their hearts out, day in and day out? I have one too, my father has named my bodysuit ‘Bash on, regardless!’ That is the face I put on for everyone trying to find some semblance in life and trying to accept whatever life throws at me every day. One day it may be hallucinations, the next it could be just a few voices, the next just one voice and the next a combination of everything. Tough, huh? People say I have a nice smile, do they also see that’s it’s a forced and fake one on most days? Are people really receptive and considerate?

For years, I’ve put on my bodysuit each morning and tried to find my place in this world. Today, as I write this, I’ve realised that we don’t really have a place in this world, only in other people’s lives. We all need to just go through the motions to reach the end. I am but a zombie going through these motions.

Living with this disorder has not been a cakewalk but then it wasn’t supposed to be. There are good days and bad and sometimes worse. Every day is a challenge because when you open your eyes you don’t really know what’s being thrown at you.

For years I didn’t talk about my “problem” because I didn’t think people would understand. I still don’t believe that anyone ever really understands, they just try to accept in their own small ways.

The only good thing about my whole life is that people who matter to me understand or at least try their best to. I even got married last year something that I never thought would happen to me and I scoffed at the idea for years.

Last time I’d written that I would love to go off my medication and lose all that extra love and care (read: fat) that this condition has given me. Do I still stand by it? Yes, but now I know that it isn’t a possibility. Not even remotely. What I know is that I need to accept who I am and just be okay with, you know with all the extra layers and all…

Independence has been something that I always valued. It gave me the confidence that despite my “problems”, I am doing okay in life, but you know what let other people help you. Independence doesn’t always mean doing it by yourself (nobody won the independence wars alone, right huh?). This is a war or a battle that you’re fighting within yourself. Take help, it really does help.

I don’t know what my life will look like 5 years down the line. Sometimes my mind is in the war zone, and I can’t function or be left on my own and other times I walk on roses in my head. Maybe they’ll come up with a medication that would need me to take just one pill instead of 5 to control said “problem” or maybe a miracle in therapy will happen. I don’t really have the patience to wait for these ifs and buts and so I just continue to cope and manage. Like my dad says, “Don’t give in to fear, rise above it.”

We try not to fear what we don’t understand even though we just want to run at full speed at times. We are not a lonely population; there are many of us in the world who need help. This is not just my battle cry but theirs too!